Memorial necklace Thursday, Jul 5 2012 

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I made a necklace so I will have a little reminder of my angel. The petunia for the sweet middle name my youngest daughter suggested. And the scripture is from the story of Hannah, which has been helpful to me. The name Sam also comes from this & my older daughter liked the name Sam. Sam Petunia

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Sam Petunia Wednesday, Jul 4 2012 

We don’t know if he was really a boy, or a girl. I felt like he was a boy, so I favored the name Sam. My oldest daughter added this name to the baby name list. This also brings me back to the story of Hannah & her son Samuel. I would love to be able to emulate her strength & grace through this loss. To give back to God for his service what I was granted. My younger daughter added the name Petunia to the list. She specifically wanted this name for a boy, she said. I thought it was damn adorable, so it sticks as the middle name. So my Sam Petunia J. grew tiny wings after touching our lives so deeply on 6/24/2012 ❤

 

The first face he saw was Jesus Tuesday, Jul 3 2012 

The physical part of everything has tapered off. As far as the hormones…. that’s a different story. I was fine for about a week. Going back to work helped, my friends were very sweet & supportive. They helped me out alot, blocking appointment times, taking phonecalls, making me laugh. When I was ready to talk, they listened silently with tears in their eyes. I love my friends, they are all amazing. I love my job, but it comes with its own bag of tricks. As helpful as it was to see people I love & feel their support, I guess it was too soon. I kinda broke down yesterday & had a crazy lady moment. Management has granted me more time off. It sucks, but it’s much needed. Thank God my managers are as compassionate as they are. I guess things could be much worse. I consider myself very lucky, even though it has been very hard to see it most of the time lately. Just when I feel strong & ready to move on, I realize I am a wreck. A steaming hot mess.

Through this mess, I have not strayed far from God. I have wrapped myself  in His word & almost hidden away in contemplation of this comfort. Every new facet of this chapter of my life leads somehow to what God is trying to do with me. I know this is not happening randomly or because God is careless or handing out bad karma. This is happening for a larger purpose. This soul existed inside my womb to make a change in my world. I can’t deny that my microcosm has been illuminated & tightened around me in the past couple of weeks. People I wrote off as enemies years ago, have reached out to show me love & offer kindness. I have no way to count the people praying for me & my family. It could be in the hundreds. I can see in other people how my situation has softened their own hearts & stoked the fires inside them to do more in their own lives. I have been led to scriptures I have never read & drawn comfort & wisdom through this new struggle. I have discovered that I am stronger than I thought I was. I have realized I have way more true friends than I thought. I have deepened my capacity for love & compassion. I appreciate my blessings that much more.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts those in any trouble, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” -2 Corinthians 1:3-5

My hope is that through this experience I can become a better friend, mother, wife, employee, coworker, daughter, aunt, niece, granddaughter, & christian.

The story of Hannah touched me pretty deeply. This woman was unable to conceive children, but she went to her house of prayer unfailingly to pray & make offerings. She was a good & faithful woman. She was graceful in hardship. She was granted a son by the grace of God. In turn, she offered him back to God as a servant to him. How selfless, to give back the one thing she longed for her whole life to show God her gratitude. That is the kind of strength I want. God did reward her greatly with I think 4 more children, & she was able to visit & bring clothes & care packages to her son Samuel who lived in what I assume was a monastery. Just beautiful.

“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the Lord.” – 1 Samuel 1:27,28

For whatever reason, this child was not meant to live on this earth. His little life was meant for something else. So far, he has been my little spiritual medic. My sweet tiny angel did all this work in such a short time. And I don’t think we’re done yet. ❤

Mandy

The unspeakable end Monday, Jun 25 2012 

So the actual miscarriage part of everything happened today….for sure. What a bag of emotions, questions, frantic phonecalls, & crazy mom quarantining the bathroom this brings. What the hell are you supposed to do??? Who do you call? Your doctor, priest, husband ( who was an hour away helping his brother move), or your mom??? …google? ..?? For about 10 minutes, I think i went insane. Reality kinda turned sideways, & I was instructed to call my mom asap. God bless her, she’s like the beacon in a boiling sea, & just hearing her logic & sympathy calmed me enough to rationalize the next steps to come. Her suggestion was to sneak into the graveyard to bury him next to Mammaw…..bless her heart. And no, that’s not how this ends. I love that woman though, good grief. No wonder no one talks about this stuff. There are just no answers. You do what you have to do, between you and God. As unspeakable as most of the details are, they aren’t going to unhappen. So I made my peace. For now. Give me 30 minutes, I just might be getting peeled off the floor again.

Still trudging on. Sunday, Jun 24 2012 

I don’t know how long this goes on, but I am still in alot of physical pain. I am also still bleeding. I had a nice dramatic breakdown in the shower last night. That got out some of the emotional pressure. My best friend suggested I have some kind of memorial celebration somehow. Some way to recognize my unborn child & say goodbye. I have no idea what to do. Sounds nice. I’ll give it time. Right now I’m just sitting in the shade enjoying my daughters as the play in their kiddie pool. My very healthy, sweet, beautiful, smart baby ladies that I now like to hold just a little tighter.

This also helps, just watching my girls play. Enjoying summertime. Sunday, Jun 24 2012 

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One thing that helps Friday, Jun 22 2012 

My sweet husband has stayed home with me the past 2 days. He has been helping take care of our 6 year old & 4 year old. Right by my side. Riding us around doing dumb stuff like look at fishing poles at walmart & spending way too much $ on junk food. One thing that helps right now is junk food. Especially ice cream. And rediculous amounts of it. 😉  Well, so far, all the horrible & disgusting things that are happening to my body are normal, according to my doctor. So I guess I just wait it out & hope things dont get worse. I have an appointment wednesday to check on things. Super.

My spark is gone Friday, Jun 22 2012 

Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I know statistically, something like 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Something like that. It doesn’t matter how far along I was, it ended suddenly, & I have to get through it. It hurts like hell. Physically, emotionally. My heart is broken to pieces & my soul is hiding it away from the world right now. I don’t want to call my friends. I don’t want to hear the “I’m sorry’s” , or the “oh, remember when that happened to so-&-so’s”.  Everybody has a counter story when you mention it.  Everybody knows somebody who had a miscarriage & yada yada…. but when it happens to you, it’s all about you. Pardon my french, but I could give 2 shits right now about them. I’m still not over mine. I know that’s an awful, selfish thing to feel. And I know it’s just part of the process. I will feel different, & maybe more open to hearing other stories soon, because , hey, I’m telling mine!  What the hell? it’s only fair, right? And why is it easier to type it into oblivion when I know full well I need to be on the phone letting people know what’s going on. Chances are, not a soul I actually know in real life will ever read this. From my experience reading blogs, it’s more for catharsis than anything. When you find someone experiencing the same things as you, it’s comforting. It makes you feel more normal, & that like that person, you too can get through your trials. I know I need the support, the kind shoulders, the chance to cry together with my friends & family. But I am too prickly still. I don’t yet know how to manage these feelings. I don’t even know exactly what is still happening to me physically. It’s not pretty, I know that. This is all new to me. So there it is.  More details later. I feel like crap right now.